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- How the French Invented Love: Nine Hundred Years of Passion and Romance
- Marilyn Yalom
- ISBN 0062048317
- Read review
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- Why Him, Why Her?
- Helen Fisher
- ISBN 0805082921
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- Against Love
- Laura Kipnis
- ISBN 0375719326
- Read review
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- Moving on: Breaking Up Without Breaking Down
- Suzie Hayman
- ISBN 0091856256
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- Attachment and Loss: Separation – Anxiety and Anger Vol 2
- John Bowlby
- ISBN 0140138382
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- In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People
- George Simon Jr.
- ISBN 145265378X
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- Why Men Love Bitches
- Sherry Argov
- ISBN 1580627560
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- The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
- Beverly Engel
- ISBN 0471454036
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- Overcoming Guilt
- Windy Dryden
- ISBN 0859696863
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- Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps
- Allan and Barbara Pease
- ISBN 0752846191
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- Dating the Divorced Man
- Christie Hartman
- ISBN 1598691414
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- How to Survive your Boyfriend’s Divorce
- Robyn Todd & Lesley Dormen
- ISBN 0871319225
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- Getting it Right This Time
- Barry W. McCarthy
- ISBN 0415951690
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- The Vibrant Relationship
- Kirsten Seidenfaden
- ISBN 185575813X
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- Loving Him without Losing You
- Beverly Engel
- ISBN 0471409790
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- The Nice Factor
- Jo Ellen Gryzb & Robin Chandler
- ISBN 1905745362
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- Love Smart
- Dr. Phil McGraw
- ISBN 0743551893
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- Ex-Wives and Ex-Lives: Survival Guide for the Next Wife
- Paula J. Egner
- ISBN 097529640X
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- The Ex-Wife Syndrome
- Sandra S. Kahn
- ISBN 0394576780
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- Parents Are Forever: A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming Successful Co-Parents After Divorce
- Shirley Thomas
- ISBN 0964637820
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- Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Shared Custody Work
- Isolina Ricci
- ISBN 0026025507
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- Ex Etiquette for Parents: Good Behaviour After a Divorce or Separation
- Jann Blackstone-Ford, Sharyl Jupe
- ISBN 1556525516
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- Stepwives: 10 Steps to Help Ex-Wives and Stepmothers End the Struggle and Put the Kids First
- Louise Oxhorn
- ISBN 0743222466
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- The Guide for Separated Parents: Putting Your Children First
- Karen and Nick Woodall
- ISBN 074994000X
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- Stepmonster
- Wednesday Martin
- ISBN 0618758194
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- The Courage to be a Stepmom
- Sue Patton Thoele
- ISBN 1482040565
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- The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Stepparenting
- Ericka Lutz
- ISBN 0028624076
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- Relate Guide to Step-families
- Suzie Hayman
- ISBN 0091856663
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- Wonderful Ways to be a Step-parent
- Judy Ford
- ISBN 1573241474
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- Stepmotherhood
- Cherie Burns
- ISBN 0609807447
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- Making Friends with your Stepchildren
- Rosemary Wells
- ISBN 0859698467
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- Help…I’m a Stepmother
- Sonja Ridden
- ISBN 1843580551
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- Warm and Wonderful Stepmothers of Famous People
- Sherry Wells
- ISBN 0934981108
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- The Single Girl’s Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids and His Ex-Wife: Becoming a Stepmother with Humor and Grace
- Sally Bjornsen
- ISBN 0451214196
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- Instant Parent
- Suzy Kalter
- ISBN 0425047377
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- The Step-parent’s Parachute
- Flora McEvedy
- ISBN 0749941243
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- The Birth of an Adoptive, Foster or Stepmother: Beyond Biological Mothering Attachments
- Barbara Waterman
- ISBN 1843107244
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- The Enlightened Stepmother
- Perdita Norwood
- ISBN 038079604X
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- Becoming a Stepfamily
- Patricia L. Papernow
- ISBN 0881633097
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- Loving Other People’s Children
- Deborah Fowler
- ISBN 0091773865
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- Loving Someone Else’s Child
- Angela Elwell Hunt
- ISBN 0842338632
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- Beyond Toddlerdom
- Dr. Christopher Green
- ISBN 0091816246
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- Why Did You Have to Get a Divorce? and When Can I Get a Hamster?: A Guide to Parenting Through Divorce
- Anthony E. Wolf
- ISBN 0374525684
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- Helping Children Cope with Divorce
- Edward Teyber
- ISBN 078795554X
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- It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear
- Vicki Lansky
- ISBN 0916773477
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- Two Homes
- Claire Masurel and Kady MacDonald Denton
- ISBN 0744589258
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- Two of Everything
- Babette Cole
- ISBN 0099220628
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- Mum and Dad Split Up
- Elizabeth O’Loughlin, Kayleigh Adams
- ISBN 1844930203
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- When a Parent Marries Again
- Marge Eaton Heegaard
- ISBN 0962050261
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- Dinosaur’s Divorce
- Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
- ISBN 0316109967
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- Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Shared Custody Work
- Isolina Ricci
- ISBN 0026025507
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- Parents Are Forever: A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming Successful Co-Parents After Divorce
- Shirley Thomas
- ISBN 0964637820
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- Help, Hope and Happiness
- Libby Rees
- ISBN 1905517025
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- Betrayal of the Child
- Stewart Rein
- ISBN 0971147205
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- The Manipulative Child
- Ernest Swihart, Patrick Cotter
- ISBN 0553379496
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- When You’re About to go off the Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You
- Kelly Nault
- ISBN 0973493801
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- Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
- Susan Forward
- ISBN 0553814826
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- The Custody Minefield
- Michael Robinson
- ISBN 0955075130
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- Divorce Poison
- Richard A. Warshak
- ISBN 0061863262
- Read review
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- Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome
- Amy J L Baker
- ISBN 0393705196
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- Caught in the Middle: Protecting the Children of High Conflict Divorce
- Carla Garrity, Mitchell Baris
- ISBN 0787938793
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- Divorce Casualties: Protecting Your Children from Parental Alienation
- Douglas Damall
- ISBN 0878332081
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- Family Court Hell
- Mark Harris
- ISBN 1906206120d
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- Divorce for Dummies
- Thelma Fisher, Hilary Woodward, John Ventura, Mary Reed
- ISBN 0470741287
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- What Maisie Knew
- Henry James
- ISBN 1490920609
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- Jane Eyre
- Charlotte Bronte
- ISBN 1484160916
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- Anna Karenina
- Tolstoy
- ISBN 0451528611
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- Loving Frank
- Nancy Horan
- ISBN 0345495004
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- The Fountainhead
- Ayn Rand
- ISBN 0141188626
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- Rebecca
- Daphne du Maurier
- ISBN 1844080382
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- The Second Wife
- Elizabeth Buchan
- ISBN 0141019883
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- Other People’s Children
- Joanna Trollope
- ISBN 0552997889
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- Repercussions of Women
- Josie Brookes
- ISBN 1849230633
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- The Step-Mothers’ Support Group
- Sam Baker
- ISBN 000730255X
- Read review
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- The Second Wive’s Club
- Jane Moore
- ISBN 0099465035
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- The Stepmother
- Carrie Adams
- ISBN 0755329570
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- The Road
- Austin Coates
- ISBN 9622090788
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- A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce
- Alec Baldwin
- ISBN 0312363362
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- A Scandalous Life
- Mary S. Lovell
- ISBN 1857024699
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- Sex with Kings: 500 Years of Adultery, Power, Rivalry, and Revenge
- Eleanor Herman
- ISBN 0060585447
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- The Big Wedding
- 2011
- Read review
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- A Separation
- 2011
- Read review
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- The Boys Are Back
- 2009
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- What Maisie Knew
- 2012
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- Before Sunrise
- 1995
- Read review
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- Before Sunset
- 2004
- Read review
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- Before Midnight
- 2013
- Read review
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- Mrs. Doubtfire
- 1993
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- Love and Other Impossible Pursuits
- 2009
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- The Sound of Music
- 1965
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- Stepmom
- 1998
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- The Secret Lives of Second Wives
- 2008
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- Downton Abbey
- 2010-
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- The 7.39
- 2014
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- Lady Edith
- Character from Downton Abbey
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- Anna
- Character from Downton Abbey
Book by a BSWC member – “Keeping my Head” by Charlotte Chapman
For several years the BSWC saved my sanity as I “battled” with my husband’s toxic and narcissistic first wife. This book is about her harassment of my husband, myself and our family, and the ultimate very extreme and tragic results.In addition to the insults and attacks aimed directly at me, we had a daily struggle against parental alienation, which made at least one step-child angry and violent, and ultimately tipped my husband into suicide attempts and a disappearance that lasted ten days. After his return, the harassment continued; his mental health deteriorated into psychosis and his behaviour grew erratic and dangerous.Instead of writing the book with the wisdom of hindsight, I deliberately decided to reproduce my BSWC posts from the time. I wanted to represent what living with a vengeful and bitter ex-wife feels like while you are going through it – “warts and all” desperation. With permission, I’ve used the replies from BSWC members who really helped me get through, and along the way, became my lasting friends.
Unfortunately my story did not have a happy ending, but I wrote the book in the hopes that it would highlight the stresses of living as a second wife and stepmother, and help other women feel they are not alone. I also formed a new charity for domestic abuse support, because I feel strongly that the action of first wives against their ex-husbands and the husbands’ subsequent partners is a form of domestic violence. It’s little known but it is horrendously destructive. The charity (Safe, Strong, Secure) takes a very wide definition of domestic violence – as any abusive or harassing behaviour inflicted upon a family or its individual members, and it supports any victim of abuse, male or female, young or old.
Your Reviews
“Divorce Poison” by Dr. Richard Warshak
This excellent book has probably saved my husband’s relationship with his children. Until he read this, he still had the naive idea that as the mother of his children, his ex-wife would never do anything to hurt them, and that, no matter how odd her behaviour seemed, as a mother, she knew what was ‘best’ for them. Then he read this book and suddenly realised that she ticked just about every single box when it came to parental alienation. Being aware of what is going on is a first step, but it is not enough. And he also learnt that it is emphatically not good for children to be manipulated in this way. Dr. Warshak gives some very good practical advice about what to do in this situation, and fortunately, my husband realised it was time to challenge his ex-wife, and set the record straight with his kids.
Three great films: Before Sunrise, Before Sunset and Before Midnight
Warning: Spoiler alert! This film trilogy charts the relationship between Jesse (Ethan Hawke) and Celine (Julie Delpy) from the moment when they meet on a train to a crisis point, eighteen years later, by which time Celine has become Jesse’s second wife. These are not films for action fans, and there is not much of a plot in any of the films; in the first one, Jesse and Celine meet on a train, and then spend a night wandering around Vienna talking. In the second one, (both set and made nine years later) Jesse is in Paris on a book tour, Celine comes to one of his book readings, and they wander around Paris, talking. In the third one (again set and made nine years later), they are on holiday in Greece. There is a bit less wandering in this film, but still lots of talking, and this time one of the issues is Jesse’s wish to spend more time with his son from his first marriage. Romantic, funny, poignant, and utterly believable.
“Against Love” by Laura Kipnis
This book might have been better entitled ‘Against Unhappy Marriage’, because it is not against love at all. Instead, it is an insightful, irreverent, and often hilarious look at why people stay together when they don’t want to stay together. A perfect read for anyone who is feeling guilty about the end of a bad marriage or relationship. One of my favourite bits is where the author asks why it is the answer to to any relationship problems is always, ‘work harder!’ – or, as she puts it, ‘the language of the salt mine’.
“The Big Wedding” A movie
Starring Robert de Niro (Don), Diane Keaton (his ex-wife Ellie) and Susan Sarandon (Bebe, Don’s other half and Ellie’s former best friend), Don, Ellie and Bebe are forced to spend the weekend together for the wedding of their adopted son, Alejandro. Hollywood manages to put an improbable spin on this common and often stressful situation: it is romantic, funny and – believe it or not! – everyone likes the second wife, even the first one.
“A Separation” A movie
After two years of trying, a middle class Iranian couple, Nader and Simin, have obtained a visa to move abroad, and Simin feels they cannot pass up this opportunity for a better life. Nader, however, does not want to leave his elderly father, who has Alzheimer’s, and Simin files for divorce. Their eleven year old daughter, Termeh, says she will not go abroad with her mother, most likely because she knows her mother will not leave without her and this way she can keep her parents together. The plot of this morally complex, slow-moving two hour film centres itself around an argument that erupts between Nader and a young woman, Razieh, who has come to work as a carer for his father while he is at work, and the impact that this and his disintegrating marriage has on his family and Termeh. Realistic, understated, insightful and moving. Persian with English subtitles.
“How the French Invented Love” by Marilyn Yalom
In the introduction to this 900 year history of love and romance in France, the author refers to a survey of Americans and French aged fifty to sixty-four. 83% of the Americans thought that a marriage without ‘radiant’ sex could be considered a good and loving marriage. Only 34% of the French respondents agreed. Therein lies a difference in attitude to marriage that many unhappily married people will be all too familiar with, because sex, or lack of it, is one of the main reasons why people have affairs or look to end a marriage and find a new partner. For some people, passion, love, sex and romance are as necessary to life as food or oxygen; for others, marriage as an institution is far more important, and anyone who strays for such trivial reasons is a disgrace to society and should be blamed, shamed and vilified.
“The Stepmothers Support Group” by Sam Baker
A warm, reassuring and uplifting book from an author who has clearly been there herself. This is a book about female friendship, but also about the various stepmother situations second wives and partners can find themselves in. Single career woman Eve, for example, who falls on love with widower Ian, who comes with a ready made family of three children, the eldest of whom is downright hostile. Then there’s Clare, single mum to teenager Lou, whose father decides to re-enter her life after 14 years of no contact, and Lily, whose boyfriend comes with a small ‘mini me’ that she finds herself taking the lion’s share of responsibility for. Melanie, building up her online business at the same time as a relationship with her partner’s daughter, finds this unexpected situation difficult to deal with. Finally, wise Mandy completes the group, trying so hard to stitch together a blended family, with little or no support from her new partner and respective teenage children. This diverse group find refuge, solace and support in their regular SSG meetings in a coffee shop in London, as they are forced to face their futures as well as confront their pasts.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and can highly recommend it to all my friends on BSWC.