Move On,
Woman! When the exwife will not move
on with her life. by Linda Mellor, The British Second Wives Club Founder.
While
conducting research into second marriages, The British Second Wives Club
(BSWC) revealed a surprising number of second marriages were strained by
the interference and the unwanted interest of the ex-wife. According to
statistics, seven out of ten British Second marriages are likely to fail.
The BSWC’s investigations revealed one of the most common stress factors
is the uninvited attention of the ex-wife.
Divorce is recognised to be a painful, emotional process and it can take
time for both parties to recover and get on with their new lives. There
may be a sense of loss experienced once the marriage is over and, in the
woman’s case, that she is no longer a wife. The BSWC’s research has
revealed when some ex-wives ended their marriages and divorced, they
continued to intrude into their ex-husband’s personal and business life.
In some cases, years after the previous marriage had ended, the husband
and his second wife have had to deal with this unwanted invasion by his
ex.
In a recent BSWC case study, a first wife totally disregarded her divorce
by contacting her ex-husband’s employer to insist she, and not his wife,
was fully entitled to her ex-husband’s benefits package. She demanded to
have the free gym membership she had enjoyed in the past to be continued
in her name because “she was married to him first and the membership
belonged to her and not to his new wife.”
Since more than four out of ten marriages are second marriages, many of us
will have first-hand experience of splitting up and getting through the
trauma of the divorce process. We understand we can’t change the past so
we move on, focus on our future and the new life ahead of us. Without
doubt, moving on may be the biggest challenge some women will have to
face. During the break-up, her intentions were loud and clear, she
frequently yelled she no longer loved him and claimed her marriage was
over years before they spilt. She had already embraced a new life with
another man, so based on this, we assume she has healed and moved on.
Why then do some ex-wives secretly feel they have a right to punish him
for daring to get on with his life without her? Perhaps she feels
aggrieved he has married again and she no longer has the exclusivity claim
on being his wife. Maybe she feels he didn’t grieve the end of his
marriage to her for long enough so her anger turns to bitterness and
resentment. It is puzzling why she maintains this type of connection to a
man who is her ex, the man she no longer wants, the man she divorced and
in some cases, the man she hates.
The BSWC’s research into second marriages has indicated some of the first
wife’s resentment is aimed directly at the new woman in her ex-husband’s
life. Although the ex-wife instigated the divorce some appear to view his
new wife as her direct replacement. In some cases the ex-wife treats the
new wife like some kind of prey to be stalked.
A Gloucestershire based second wife told us how she went through a
terrible time being stalked by the ex-wife. Lynne, 41, had never met her
husband’s ex but became concerned when she saw a woman, fitting the
description of her, loitering outside where she worked. “I started to
receive silent phone calls”, says Lynne. It was just the start. “I was at
home one day, I looked out of the window and saw her sitting in a car,
parked up, looking at our house. I was shocked and frightened, there was
no reason for her to be anywhere near our home and I couldn’t imagine why
she had an interest in our life”. Lynne explains, “Thankfully it stopped
after our solicitor wrote to her but I felt terrified, I became a nervous
wreck constantly on the look out scared she’d be hiding around the next
corner”.
An increasing number of second wives have discovered the ex is taking an
unhealthy interest in them by trying to obtain their personal and
financial information.
Sue, 35, had been living with her partner, Mike, for 3 years, in Swindon,
when she was promoted at work. This promotion meant an increase in her
salary, participation in the company bonus scheme and a fully expensed
company car. Sue had worked really hard for this and was delighted with
the achievement however within a month of her promotion, Mike received a
letter from his ex-wife demanding he pay her more spousal maintenance.
When Mike questioned her why she was suddenly demanding more money, she
said: “As your partner has had a big promotion you can afford to pay me
more money”. When Mike refused to increase the Spousal Maintenance his
Ex-wife threatened him with court action, telling him the Private
Detective she had engaged had “gathered plenty of information on his
partner’s promotion”. Following advice from other BSWC Members, who’d been
through similar experiences, Sue refused to give into the ex-wife’s
demands and didn’t disclose any details of her finances. The ex-wife’s
threatened court action didn’t materialise although Sue feels it is just a
matter of time before she makes more money demands.
Linda Mellor, The Founder of the British Second Wives Club, says: “This
type of behaviour seems to be on the increase, it is concerning to hear
the lengths some women will go to. If you’ve been stalked by your
husband’s ex-wife it’s a scary experience!”
Julie, 31, a BSWC Member from Chelmsford, says: “Within four weeks of
meeting Gary I started to get threatening phone calls from Gary’s ex-wife,
telling me to stay away from her husband. It is utter madness; they’ve
been divorced for 16 months because she had an affair!”
To Linda, it’s an all too common scenario. “It’s about time these women
take full responsibility for their actions and accept divorce means the
door is firmly closed on their ex-husband’s life and his marriage. There
isn’t some sort of secret ex-wife entitlement to invade his life. Linda,
42, says: I can imagine there must be a host of emotions driving these
women to poke around into their ex-Husband’s business. Perhaps they should
be looking closer to home for the answers to their problems and finally
admit how unhappy there are".
"Let go and move on woman!”
Note
to Publishers: This article can be published, in whole or in part, or used
as research by any relevant publication or broadcast program, on the
condition 'The British Second Wives Club' is credited. Linda Mellor, the
writer of this article and the Founder of The BSWC is available for
interviews and comment ~ see our
Media section.
